Tuesday, June 11, 2013

Okay! I'm a Bastard. Now what?

Okay so I decided to admit the truth about myself. I'm a bastard.  So what's the big deal?

Well the big deal is it seems to cause trouble in my relationships. "No kiddin?" You say. "You admit yiu are a bastard. It would take a saint to deal with you."

Well that brings me to my point....We all look for that someone that loves us even though "_________". Now that blank can be filled with whatever truth about you that you would like to add. But whatever it is, we want someone to love us in spite of it, whether is a body image issue, personality issue, etc. And it's what brings me to this topic.

Many times, and I admit this is personal observation, I see people who are in a relationship and are so afraid to reveal that one truth about themselves that they force people away because they would rather it not be known.  It amazes me how much these people see themselves as less than worthy because of this secret, this "even though".

Some of us bury it so deep that it takes years of therapy just to uncover this obstacle that keeps us from loving not only ourselves, but others. We'll find a way to hide all traces. Cover all tracks...move on. But the funny thing about that damn "even though" is you can't escape it because it's a part of who you are. It's woven into the fabric of your being and the only way to deal with it is to confront it.

Well you say, "that's easier than it sounds!" I agree, it's not easy at all. Sometimes we find that the issue we must face is far larger than we thought or is far more chaotic and out of control.
In those cases I say seek professional help. But in others, I say learn to admit your "even though". Own it. Then CHANGE! It can only contfol as much of your life as you allow it to. It does not matter what it is, you have to realize you are far greater than it can ever be.

One of my ongoing conversations revolves around the concept of everything being a thought. Whether it results in action or not, it's begins as a thought. And so the internal dialogue should begin. And I say should because some people just get echoes when errant thought pass through. Any way...for me, that internal dialogue usually spins a yarn about 12 miles long with cross streets and detours and one way streets. I accept that because it leads me to a conclusion.
Now, far be it from me to say if it's the right conclusion, but it gives me a starting point for conversation externally and avenues of thought to explore with others.

What does this have to do with me being a bastard? Well that's my "even though". I can admit it's a character flaw. I can also be man enough to work on not being a bastard. In return, I can remove that from the long list of truths that I have yet to discover about myself.

But for right now I'm. .......